I'm back. I can't believe I haven't posted in so many months.
The plan was to stick with it. The plan was to follow through. The plan was to write every day and eventually write a book. Because writers write, right?

I think I am afraid. On one hand I believe that I am supposed to write books, and I have such a desire to do so. On the other hand I seem to avoid the task by any means. I think I am afraid of failure.

I see so many inspirational quotes about overcoming fear, and failing being a good thing etc, etc. I get all pumped when I see them and promise myself that I will print them out and put them on my inspirational board, which I have also failed to create. And then, nothing. There's always something else to be done. Always some other time sucking activity that I choose to do instead.

When am I going to get it right? When am I going to take that leap?

I don't want anything drastic to have to happen before I get motivated. I just want to practice obedience and do it. I simply need to start, have faith, be obedient, and just do it for goodness sake!
I know that on the other side of obedience are blessings for both me and others. I know that in fulfilling my purpose, someone else's life will be made better in some way. I know that I have been blessed through other people's obedience and that it is not right for me to deprive others of what God may have for them.

So my prayer today is that I will submit myself completely to God's will, so that I can be used as a vessel to bring light and life to others. In Jesus' name. Amen.

Being Mary Jane

So, I started watching BET's Being Mary Jane, starring Gabrielle Union. At first I thought it was a pretty decent show. It deals with the real life issues that a single, professional, black woman might have. This includes challenges with her mother's illness, her niece continuing to have babies out of wedlock, a former drug addicted brother,all looking to Mary Jane, as she is a successful TV anchorwoman.

Spoiler Alert!!!!
She finds out that a man that she loves and is considering marrying is, in fact, already married! So she does what any self-respecting woman would do. She puts him out and sprays him with a water hose. I was happy with her choice. Silly me figured that was the end of that. Mary Jane was so upset that he had tricked her and she even went on to tell the wife because she thought it was the right thing to do. Go Mary Jane!!!
Unfortunately, in the very next episode she ends up sleeping with the married man again, in a locker room shower stall, no less! WHY!!!???

Why is it that a professional, beautiful, successful African American woman can have it together in every other aspect of her lives besides a relationship?!!! You see the same thing in Scandal with Olivia Pope. Why are these women sleeping with married men and begging and waiting for the scraps that the married men decide to throw out now and again? It's pretty disgusting and sad.

Mary Jane goes through a lot of different feelings about her predicament. A lot of times she says that she deserves better, but she continues anyway with the affair. This leads me to question whether or not I should continue to watch the show... then that leads to whether or not I should continue to watch Scandal. I like to pride myself on saying that I like everything about Scandal except for Olivia and the President's relationship. It's the truth, but, I wonder if I should continue to watch and support shows that continually "glorify" adultery. Or am I blowing things out of proportion and trying to be too deep? After all, it's just entertainment, right...?

Grateful

I tried to get a friend to help me in my battle to stay active, to actually follow through with the decision to live a healthier lifestyle. My friend was not on board. But, I'm okay with it. At first I was upset about it. But, I realized I can't count on someone else to hold me accountable for a course that I have chosen to take. I can't be upset because my friend doesn't want to travel with me.
The true test of my dedication to change my lifestyle lies with me. Period.

Time out for being weak-willed and weak-minded when it comes to me. That doesn't even make sense. Why would I choose to tear myself down and continue on a path of self-destruction? I heard a quote on the radio today that really resonated with me "Your health is your wealth."

I don't want to be in poverty anymore. Poor health is not only physical poverty, but emotional and spiritual poverty as well. When you are in poor health because of being overweight or because of an unhealthy diet (you can be thin and still be in poor health), you are not living the life that God has intended for you to live. You are bound. But, I am realizing every day that it doesn't have to be this way. Just because it may have been this way for many years, it doesn't have to stay that way.

There is freedom from the cycle. There is relief from the burden. I have learned that it starts with seeking God. He cares about this. It may seem like such a trivial issue, just eat right and exercise, but it's much more than that. If it were that easy, there would not be an obesity epidemic in America. The bible says that we wrestle not against flesh and blood.  This "battle of the bulge" if you will, is not a surface issue. It is an issue that is rooted deep into our hearts, minds, and spirits. It is only when we recognize this and make the decision to approach it with the correct attitude and willingness to submit it to the Lord, that we will experience victory.

I will say that it is an everyday battle, and  most times it seems to be uphill! But God continues to walk with me on this journey, and I am happy to say that, in the midst of failures that sometimes seem inevitable, I am also experiencing victories.  I have more determination and a stronger will. Today, I danced, swam, and did 75 squats. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. One thing I do know is that I don't have to tackle it on my own. And for that, I am grateful.

Charity Begins at Home

'Tis the season! The season of beauty. The season of light. The season of peace, joy, faith, hope, love. It is the time when people feel most inclined to help their fellow man. During the Christmas season volunteerism at food banks, hospitals and soup kitchens is at an all time high. Then there is Angel Tree, where church goers buy gifts for the children of incarcerated parents. There are food drives, mitten drives, clothing drives...and the list goes on.

I love this time of year! I am an advocate for helping those in need and teaching my children to do the same. Not just this time of year, but always. It's the right thing to do, and it's what God wants from us, right? Right. (Acts 20:35, Proverbs 19:17, Matthew 25:35-40,Proverbs 14:31, Proverbs 28:27).  These scriptures are just a few of many that reinforce this fact. However, upon pondering this, I had a nagging feeling in my heart that there was something that I was missing?

Then it came to me. I can give all I want to charities, donate my time to good causes, and buy gifts for those less fortunate, but if I'm not showing that same peace, charity, love, and kindness to those closest to me, what does it profit? I mean, how can I endeavor to teach my children kindness and patience, but when they take too long getting dressed, spill drinks, or forget to flush the toilet, I impatiently fuss and chastise? How can I incessantly nag my husband about ways and reasons that we should give of ourselves when I make him jump through hoops, at times, to get back into my good graces after a disagreement?

The answer is that I can't. I shouldn't. I need to take a step back and make sure that all I am trying to do for others, I am doing for my own family. The fruits of the spirit in my life should first be evident to my husband and children, the people who are around me each day. In this, my lessons to my children on how to be godly, loving, and kind are not just lip service. They will remember how they saw Mommy respond to tough situations, how Mommy showed grace, how Mommy loved. In this, they will be raised up in the way that they should be, so that when they are older they will not depart from it. I can also minister to my husband as he has ministered to me on so many occasions, by example. It is powerful and life changing. I know first hand from being on the receiving end of his patience, faithfulness, self-control, and love.

The old adage,"Charity begins at home",  is not just a cliche for me. It is a reality that I am willing to embrace, a journey that I am willing to take. .

The Struggle is Real

"I roll over and look at the clock. Another day...Maybe the scale will be my friend...But the scale doesn't change its mind...It is not my friend this day. 

Vowing to do better, eat healthier, and make good choices, I head to the kitchen only to have my resolve melt like the icing on the cinnamon rolls just pulled from the oven. Yum. Oh, who cares what the scale says when this roll speaks such love and deliciousness. 

Two and a half cinnamon rolls later, I decide tomorrow will be a much better day to keep my promises to eat healthier. And since this is my last day to eat what I want, I better live it up. Another cinnamon roll, please."
 (Made to Crave, Lysa Terkeurst pg.27)

This is my struggle. Daily. It's a vicious cycle. Some days are better than others. 

I made the mistake of thinking that I could overcome this in and of myself. How wrong was I? I recently came to the realization that I need God to fight this battle for me. Notice that I didn't say "I needed God to help me fight this battle." I literally need Him to fight for me. I feel powerless when it comes to food. It's like an addiction. I know that what I consume is not good for me. I know that my portions are too large. For instance, a few weeks ago I tracked my snack intake at 1,400 calories in one day. Do you understand how ridiculous that is?! I was ashamed of myself. How could I have done that? 

I straightened up my act for about a week after that. Unfortunately, I have begun to fall back into old habits. I don't want to be this way. There are so many horrible feelings attached to this cycle: guilt, shame, anger, helplessness. I'm tired of these feelings. 

Then there are the unhealthy attitudes and paradigms that I have when it comes to food. My biggest struggle is the thought of giving up things that I like. I don't like to feel deprived. It just makes me want that thing even more. But at what cost? Am I willing to pay the price of obesity that can lead to diabetes, heart disease, high cholesterol, cancer, and even an early death? Is food really that important to me? The answer is no. I don't want to pay that price. I want to be healthy. I want to be an example for my children. I want to see them grow up. I want to be around when they have children. I want to live a life of purpose and fulfillment. 

It's scary to think that my food choices can have a bearing on whether or not I can experience these things. But, what's even scarier is the fact that I have an understanding of what could happen as a result of my poor choices, and yet I still make the choices that could lead me down the path to destruction. 

It doesn't make sense. This is why I need God to fight for me. 

The beauty of it is that He will. In fact, He already is. My introduction to Lysa Terkeurst has been nothing but a blessing. Her struggle is exactly like mine. I thank God that she was obedient to her calling and wrote the books that she has, especially Made to Crave. It speaks to every thought, every action, every motive that I have had and continue to have as I journey through this season in my life. I also know that it was God that orchestrated the pre-diabetes group that I meet with on a weekly basis.  I know that it sounds odd, but I had actually been looking into joining some sort of support group because I felt that my problem with food was so severe. Instead of having to join Overeaters Anonymous, I qualified for the pre-diabetes meetings because of a health screening at my job. Along with the support at the meetings I also get a free YMCA membership for a year! 

I know that this issue may seem trivial to some because there are more important things in life than eating habits. But this problem has a root that is deeper than just "throwing out the cookies and replacing them with celery." It is rooted in a lack of self-control. It is rooted in disobedience and disconnection. It speaks to an attempt to fill a void with cakes, brownies, and cookies.  A void that can only, truly, be filled by God.  

Blessed

I am blessed. God has made himself known in my life and continues to do so on a daily basis. Today I picked up my children from school. I asked them how their day was like I always do. After answering, my daughter then reciprocated by asking me how my day was. Today, my answer was a little different than it normally is. I said "I had a good day today!" She replied, "Good, because I prayed for you to have a good day." I was pleasantly surprised by her statement. All I could do was smile and tell her thank you.

God has been working with me and how I perceive my job. It has been a rough couple of months, and I have been in a slump. A little while ago, I realized that it's not supposed to be this way. It doesn't have to be this way. I could easily take this issue to God in prayer rather than groan and complain about it on a daily basis. God is there waiting patiently for me to come to Him about the matter. If anybody has the solution, he does.

I am a high school teacher, and I deal with different attitudes and behaviors on a daily basis. All of these attitudes and behaviors are not favorable, to say the least. My situation was perplexing to me because, while I am so grateful to be employed on one hand, on the other hand I was not happy to go to work each day. I had been acting like things were hopeless and I was doomed to have to deal with certain issues for the rest of the year. But God put it in my spirit to seek Him. So, I have started doing that. For me, at this time in my life, seeking God looks like getting up early a few mornings a week for prayer. While I am not as consistent as I would like to be, I do see a difference.

Now, I try to put more focus on the good that I see in students. I realized that most of the students come to learn and have a desire to do well. I also realized that the battles that I do have are not against flesh and blood (Ephesians 6:12). I will not strive in the classroom, but in prayer. I thank God for caring about each area of my life. I thank Him for reminding me of that on this day.

Me? Start a blog?

Who am I to write a blog? I have asked myself this time and time again. What is it that I have to share? Honestly, the answer is that I don't know. I don't know what my "niche" is. I don't know what to offer in such a unique way that it stands out and draws readers. But what I do know is that I am a writer, and I need to start writing.
For so long I have not used what I know is a gift from God. I am like the servant in the parable of the talents (Matthew 25:14-30). I have hidden my "talent" in the ground. I have not been faithful with what I have been given. But, thank God, it is not too late.
And so, this blog was born. It is a starting point for me to just start writing. My ultimate dream is to write children's books. But, until I get to that point I will blog. About what, you ask? About everything. I will write about what is in my heart, what is going on in my life, my struggles, my triumphs, my journey to becoming the woman that God has intended for me to be. And I am ever so grateful that I am not on this journey alone.