The Struggle is Real

"I roll over and look at the clock. Another day...Maybe the scale will be my friend...But the scale doesn't change its mind...It is not my friend this day. 

Vowing to do better, eat healthier, and make good choices, I head to the kitchen only to have my resolve melt like the icing on the cinnamon rolls just pulled from the oven. Yum. Oh, who cares what the scale says when this roll speaks such love and deliciousness. 

Two and a half cinnamon rolls later, I decide tomorrow will be a much better day to keep my promises to eat healthier. And since this is my last day to eat what I want, I better live it up. Another cinnamon roll, please."
 (Made to Crave, Lysa Terkeurst pg.27)

This is my struggle. Daily. It's a vicious cycle. Some days are better than others. 

I made the mistake of thinking that I could overcome this in and of myself. How wrong was I? I recently came to the realization that I need God to fight this battle for me. Notice that I didn't say "I needed God to help me fight this battle." I literally need Him to fight for me. I feel powerless when it comes to food. It's like an addiction. I know that what I consume is not good for me. I know that my portions are too large. For instance, a few weeks ago I tracked my snack intake at 1,400 calories in one day. Do you understand how ridiculous that is?! I was ashamed of myself. How could I have done that? 

I straightened up my act for about a week after that. Unfortunately, I have begun to fall back into old habits. I don't want to be this way. There are so many horrible feelings attached to this cycle: guilt, shame, anger, helplessness. I'm tired of these feelings. 

Then there are the unhealthy attitudes and paradigms that I have when it comes to food. My biggest struggle is the thought of giving up things that I like. I don't like to feel deprived. It just makes me want that thing even more. But at what cost? Am I willing to pay the price of obesity that can lead to diabetes, heart disease, high cholesterol, cancer, and even an early death? Is food really that important to me? The answer is no. I don't want to pay that price. I want to be healthy. I want to be an example for my children. I want to see them grow up. I want to be around when they have children. I want to live a life of purpose and fulfillment. 

It's scary to think that my food choices can have a bearing on whether or not I can experience these things. But, what's even scarier is the fact that I have an understanding of what could happen as a result of my poor choices, and yet I still make the choices that could lead me down the path to destruction. 

It doesn't make sense. This is why I need God to fight for me. 

The beauty of it is that He will. In fact, He already is. My introduction to Lysa Terkeurst has been nothing but a blessing. Her struggle is exactly like mine. I thank God that she was obedient to her calling and wrote the books that she has, especially Made to Crave. It speaks to every thought, every action, every motive that I have had and continue to have as I journey through this season in my life. I also know that it was God that orchestrated the pre-diabetes group that I meet with on a weekly basis.  I know that it sounds odd, but I had actually been looking into joining some sort of support group because I felt that my problem with food was so severe. Instead of having to join Overeaters Anonymous, I qualified for the pre-diabetes meetings because of a health screening at my job. Along with the support at the meetings I also get a free YMCA membership for a year! 

I know that this issue may seem trivial to some because there are more important things in life than eating habits. But this problem has a root that is deeper than just "throwing out the cookies and replacing them with celery." It is rooted in a lack of self-control. It is rooted in disobedience and disconnection. It speaks to an attempt to fill a void with cakes, brownies, and cookies.  A void that can only, truly, be filled by God.